You Had Me At Hello ♥

Waking up with that scary feeling of fear and nightmares in the back of your head, only this time, you don’t remember what to be afraid. Isn’t that fun?

Happy and miserable at the same time. Mostly miserable.

I want to hide in a corner.

Or a shell.

I’m not a turtle though:/

I need it to rain. It sounds nice.

I want to run, but I’m so tired today.

I love 9gag, instant pick me up.

Laughing.

Gambled and I’m losing today.

I wish my mom will be happy that I got accepted into a college. Like any college. 

UCR(:

Fingers crossed for UCSC. 

Even if he doesn’t want me to go.

That makes me sad.

I’m so insecure sometimes.

I’m such a loser sometimes. All the time.

I wish that people keep promises that they make.

I want to isolate myself. I don’t want to deal with people.

I wish I can do something right.

Disconnected. Defense mechanism.

First world problems.

Fuck.

Sorry for being so bitchy.

Goodnight.

hello world, just me again, here to rant rant rant.

sooooo shitty day anyone? because mine definitely was.

teachers are human just like everyone else, and never have i forgotten that fact. they make mistakes just like everyone else, and when they do, the whole world comes down on them for their role in society. i empathize for that. what i don’t empathize with is when some teachers choose to be deliberately cruel.

today in school, i had my homework out. it was not homework for that class, rather an assignment due next period and i was asking for clarification on one of the questions from my friend who sits next to me while the teacher was talking. i know that was wrong of me. yes, i realize that that was disrespectful to my teacher for my inattention and i acknowledge and take responsibility for that. i also realize the risk of getting my homework confiscated. i take responsibility for that also.

my teacher confiscated my homework in front of the whole class, that was alright with me since i knew i was doing something i wasn’t supposed to be doing and i have to deal with the consequence of losing it.

what i wasn’t prepared to deal with is her taking the assignment and ripping the assignment up in front of the whole class.

“RIIIIIIIP…”

there were quiet gasps and murmurs of shock. it was humiliating. it was hurtful, and left me shocked and aghasted. looking back, i can understand her anger, which could have led to her ripping my paper in a public demonstration like that a spur of the moment thing or that she was in a bad mood. it doesn’t give her an excuse commit such a spiteful and personal attack directed at me. never have i felt so worthless and so victimized. i sat there for the rest of the period staring off into space and avoiding the thought of what just passed. 

my mind kept circling back, always coming back to it. i was starting to fight off the urge for tears. it was a battle that i was desperately fighting internally, and i was losing every minute.

the bell rang and i stayed after class. my friend stayed for a bit, offering me meager moral support. passing period was ticking by while she dealt with another student. i told my friend to go, she’ll be late for the next class.

my turn, she faced me, her pleasant demeanor gone and a steely, angry mask in place. taking a deep breath to steady my nerves, i apologized,

“i know what i did was wrong, and i’m sorry that i did my homework in your class. it was disrespectful and i won’t ever do it again. may i please have my assignment back please?”

“…no, you don’t get your assignment back *gathers up all the pieces of the assignment up in a messy pile and shoves into desk drawer*. i might put your assignment into your teacher’s box if i remember to, with a note informing him that you were doing this in my class. do you realize that you are always doing some other class’ assignments or sleeping in my class?”

“yes, i realize that i do some other classwork in your class sometimes, and i do fall asleep more than once in a while and i apologize for that. but i don’t do either things nearly as much as you are saying…i know that this isn’t an excuse but there were other people in class doing the same thing, so why have you not done with same thing with other people?”

“well if i saw, i would have done the same thing to anyone else”

“… i understand the confiscation of my paper……but wasn’t it a bit much to rip it up in front of the whole class though?…”

she ignored that and just repeated the same things over again. i was so frustrated by the manner in which she addressed me and so lost. i couldn’t fight the tears anymore, and they welled up and i just mumbled an intelligible ok and thank you. i walked unsteadily away, needing to get away.

i walked frantically around the corner and saw the office and headed there, intending to ask to sit for a bit and regain my composure before heading back to class. a well meaning attendance clerk herded me into the assistant principal’s office instead. i was choking back sobs while the two women in the room sat staring at me.

they asked me what happened. i explained the situation to them,

“i did something wrong, but the teacher also did something wrong…she ripped my homework that she confiscated in front of the whole class”

i fully admitted to what i did wrong. they half listened and informed me,

“you were lucky she only took away your homework. do you know that you can get a saturday school or a detention for what you did? i wouldn’t have dealt the same way your teacher did, i guess it was insulting. but what you did was wrong. you are being overemotional because you are lacking sleep, you need to calm down…”

they just lectured me. they focused on that i did wrong and took my teacher’s side in the end. i wasn’t upset because i did something wrong and got caught, i was upset because my teacher humiliated me in front of my peers in an uncalled for and inappropriate manner. nothing would have changed their standpoint, i was resigned that my school administration ignored something so emotionally upsetting for me in favor of what an adult chose to do. even if that person was wrong in handling the situation which they barely acknowledge.

things like that just make the world such a disgusting place. i appreciate their efforts to close ranks to protect an employee, but she blatantly did something wrong and they ignored that. that is disgusting to see and experience.

i also understand that my teacher was also experiencing health issues recently and i have looked past her short fallings on many occasions when she failed to do her job correctly in my and my peers’ eyes in the past because of that. i also know that a prominent amount of people are failing academically in that class and QUEST because of her mistakes and physical problems. i also know that she is human and has feelings. i know that she may not have had the best day so far. her humanness and her medical issues and her other issues do not excuse her from such appalling behavior even if she felt entitled to it though. especially when dealing with a student. it was disrespectful and belittling. i realized that i disrespected her, but her retaliation was blatant and malicious.

i admit to my mistakes and will deal with my consequences. what she did was not in any manner close to a district code approved procedure in dealing with my misbehavior, rather one of her own decision. it was personal and hurtful, i have lost respect for the person she is, defined by her actions. venting done(:

i hope you realize how much you are hurting me. i hope it’s worth it because i’m still here and being on the verge of tears all the time is starting to become my new normal. i’m sorry if you can’t help it, but i can’t help it either. i’m sorry this ever happened, because you might as well be a million miles away from me. when things go great, it’s amazing, but when things are bad, it sucks. obviously. i’m going out of my mind right now because i miss you like crazy. and it hurts even more when you don’t realize how much i love you. i wish you would realize how much of an ass you can be and how much your words cut me up inside. you still do it anyways. and i still love you even while you’re doing this. you are the best and worst person in my life and i wouldn’t change it for anything else. i love you. good night world.

i had a long conversation with my mother a few nights ago, and i think that’s the longest time i talked to her EVER, about anything, without it ending up in her getting angry with me. i think it’s sad though and a bit ironic because she talked a about how homosexuals are going to “destroy” america. this is one of the only times i can ever remember talking to her where she didn’t treat me like a child, and we had an actual adult to adult conversation; that broke my heart. it hurts me to the bottom of my heart that she can’t ever really realize that i’m bisexual. she just plain hates the lifestyle, the culture, everything about it, and i think that’s in part because of her Roman Catholicism and her upbringing. i don’t think she realizes how cruel or harsh or narrowminded she sounds, she doesn’t see the flaw of her logic whatsoever.

i wonder how i can turn out so different from her, how i can be like this from the way she raised me, she raised me to look upon homosexuals with disgust and pity, and i never saw them as anything but human beings. i can’t see how such a small difference in preference can cause such a big political and social controversy. it is a matter of choice, it is not a sickness, it’s not a mental condition nor is it a choice. i don’t believe sexual orientation is a choice, rather a combination of things including personal development, outside influence and neurochemistry to name a few. this is rather superficial though wouldn’t you agree? as long as we as humans love other human beings it’s fine, because honestly if you’re attracted to a dog or a cat or something then i’d really think that there is something wrong. it shouldn’t matter about gender, it’s a small difference yet the smallest differences lead to the biggest problems, when there are so much more similarities. we should be celebrating these differences, not starting wars and problems over them. it’s just like with religions. why is it that things like this take us so far? they can’t argue that it’s unnatural, it’s not, it’s present in nature in various species of the animal kingdom. why are argue that homosexuals have no future? because they can not have biological children, doesn’t mean they can’t adopt. even with that it’s a struggle for homosexuals to adopt when this is such a social benefit. besides face it, when guys are attracted to each other, that leaves more females free for the straight guys. and when girls are attracted to each other, that leaves more guys for the straight girls. win win, for society and human reproduction. humans fear what they find strange or have no knowledge of, especially bigots in society.

do not condemn what you do not know and are too blind to see. we each have a right to our personal choices and lifestyles as long as it does not infringe on the rights and lifestyles of others or harm others. perhaps this is too idealistic for the society we live if, or maybe it’s still too early for this kind of hope, or maybe i am just naive and have yet to be beaten down by society’s shallowness and double standards.

i’m tired of this week.

i loved the start of this year but dislike the direction in which it’s going.

i hate dumb cunts.

and most of all, i’m sick of chick drama. i pick up after everyone, especially the people with vajayjays in my life. i’m tired of busting my ass for people and then turning around to find them unraveling everything apart. fuck:]

it is raining right now. the sound itself is beautiful, the feeling exquisite, and the word is plain gorgeous. dancing in the rain is as close to be carefree as i can get to childhood.

if only i could fall asleep in the rain again, but i think that today is just a bitty bit cold for that aha♥

Am I allowed to scream and laugh?

Yes, first amendment bitchesssss

Do I want to at the moment?

A bit

Will i?

Unfortunately not:/

pretty picture:D if only i can throw my head back to laugh like her:DDD